we went apple picking on monday. unfortunately it was stupid cold and my hands almost fell off :( we're gonna make cobbler with the 60 fucking apples

im not sure how id fix my self esteem. its a shame i cant tell my therapist about this cause then theyll think im a stupid little crybaby and i never get to fix my thoughts it s such a vicious cycle

i dont think ill have to switch ap lang. ill get kicked out soon anyway. unrelated but i might start using dreamwidth, should be much easier than picking through my html spaghetti

nvm i got burnt out

my handwriting really is like my lineart, both are equally atrocious. i have the ideas in my head i just cant get them down fast enough

another period of downtime. not sure what else to do with the site, some pages are looking ugly so ill prob fix that. im getting into animation because daydreaming isnt enough!!! they have to be real!!! i also get to fufill the dreams of 10 year old me :D surely i will not burn out after making myself animate for 5 hours

now im gonna pull an awesome all nighter and finish the essay

ap lang makes me want to kill myself faster i hope itll be worth something in the end. today was embarrassing

nothing notable has happened in the last few weeks. my procrastination has gotten worse and i spent 1.5 hrs on work at 10pm last night. im going to start purging some entries because frankly some are making me wince in pain. ive been playing this one song on repeat like theres no tomorrow (the song in question) its pretty simple but it scratches an itch in my brain really nicely

speaking of music i dont think im cut out for actually creating it, my impatient ass will spend 2 hours max on a song

its nice to know im not the only one who imagines myself as a streamer whenever i play video games, like ill talk to myself and shit (not literally, but like i act as if theres an audience). i sound insane dont i. maybe its a coping mechanism. i have another daydream thats been going on for years but i might sound more insane so itll be left unshared. the daydreaming interferes with stuff, sometimes i cant even sleep also i will just forget what im doing. its kind of annoying actually but i worry its just in my head

i get a really weird sort of icky feeling whenevr i loop the same songs over and over its almost like shame. like shouldnt i be listening to something else/ but isnt this how people listen to music. im sorry its 11pm rn

in my dream i was looking out my window and there were fish shaped ornaments hanging from the tree, a lot of them too. they resembled taiyaki but less flat, not sure how else to describe it. i should really make a fish plush one day this was probably a sign

anyway i finished watching girls last tour, at some point ill try to find the manga and finish the series. i kinda want to learn more about the world, more specifically i need closure!! its a shame the anime apparently finished 7 years ago and uhhhhhh i dont have many other thoughts. i started watching it 6 weeks ago and forgot abt it so i picked it up again this week. on a side note ive started my bio hw yayyyyy

i think this is sea glass. when wet it looks really cool and transparent, very lucky that we decided to stay in that specific area. my bag of rocks is getting full

hmm im not sure why eating is so boring :/ when i was younger i used to imagine having a device that would break down the food for me so i could skip chewing. unfortunate because im already very thin, i believe ever since 2nd or 3rd grade i havent even gained double my weight. for the last year at least my weights been stagnant. maybe it depends on my mood, or maybe none of this is real and im complaining abt nothing

the urge to do anything but ap bio work...while stressing about things i could do rn i made a cat plushie, i think it took 3 hours at most. used the same fabric that i made the gloves from (old leggings) for whatever reason while making the gloves i didnt bother learning to tie the thread so everything inevitably came apart. i saw some of those hand sewn plushies on pinterest and ive been meaning to do it for a while, but i never learned how to sew

the only gripe i have about this guy is the arms, i didnt realize the difference between the template and the actual product. instead of leaving an opening at the sides for the stuffing (like a normal person) since i started at the legs i had to leave the opening there. which overcomplicated everything :/ i should make more plushies i bought this big ass bag of stuffing, originally meant for my amigurumi, but ive quit crocheting since so its just sitting in my closet. because hes made of legging fabric i can stretch him too :D i might make him a keychain!! i also have to make a phosphophyllite plush someday...even if it takes $40 worth of teal felt i have to do it before i die

it starts in less than three weeks. i can finally say im no longer losing my mind abt it (5 years was all it took). its strange i was borderline failing 7th grade (60.17 in english and a shit ton of d's) this was during the early pandemic too, but i also just never did my work for whatever reason. from that point on my grades were much better. i wrote a lot then didnt save but basically im just hoping i get live thru the next 5 years without offing myself

i signed up for some art class so i could get into ap art. art is the only thing im remotely passionate abt though finding a stable job related to it is very unlikely. i have to do something else in the meantime till i have the means to pursue art. this is a sad truth i denied for several months until recently. rn im listening to some very melancholic music and its making me sad i should stop

anwyay i found these cool rocks a week or two ago. im not sure what the right one is but it sparkles and thats all that matters

i didnt in fact get around to listening to come in :/ however i started on my summer reading yayy!!! there was like a mental block or smth in my brain i told myself id start the reading beginning of august. i think im like deficient in something. now that ive finally fucking started it im less stressed, however the research paper i need to write next year is still my 13th Reason why

also made a small tune today, music making doesnt seem too horrible. i realized a while ago that before i started to make art i wasnt really a creative person? a few years in was when i actually started making charcters and worldbuilding, why is that? or maybe im misremembering. i dont think pre-2018 me woudlve ever thought abt making music or possibly writing a comic (this will never happen) or crocheting

having a place dedicated to ocs would be nice, i draw them a lot yet i never talk abt them. i mightve gotten over my posting anxiety but i still havent gotten over the embarassment i feel over my writing 💀 i physically cant read my own journal entries without mentally recoiling..same thing with creative writing. i really hate reading any of them. its annoying too cause i never get to proofread my work. my brain is so irrational its not like ive gotten negative feedback from anything ive written. i always preferred writing analytic essays more cause i have 0 faith in my creativity. ig i dont like people knowing about me

if i write the lore of my ocs ill think its cringe or something. i am a lost cause

on a side note im celebrating my bday today :3 maybe ill write abt it later. currently im listening to the moon by the microphones. strange how i didnt like it at first but it grew on me

my motivation has run dry and i still dont feel like working on the shrines or much else. the thing abt hnk is that ill have periods where i fixate on it like crazy (for only a few months at best) it eventually comes back and when it does it scares me

i dont know how i feel abt driving i think im guaranteed to get into a car accident its not up for debate. i will eventually get a permit soon. i dont think im ready to be 18 soon. it feels like im missing smth...im not ready for college and all that i dont even knwo what ill do for a living and theres a lot of pressure

also happy late bday to me ig, i turned a year older yesterday

id love to have a pet pigeon/dove theyre so friend shaped...but my mom says theyll shit eveyrwhere :/ i had a phase where i wanted some rats however all of their potential medical problems and things id have to buy isnt worth it. their cooing sounds are calming (the pigeons)

2 days ago we went out shopping and i found this cool black maxi skirt!! now i can make stupid outifts and have a reason to wear my jewelry

i feel like if i learned to draw now id get too caught up with fundamentals and get burnt out after 11 days. this happened to me when i tried using utau to make covers; i was really frustrated with being unable to chart music by ear (too prideful to use someones elses usts), and i couldnt get a grasp at tuning. i remember watching a bunch of tutorials and i mightve gotten too overwhelemed. basically forgot to have fun with it. i think making music would be cool but i know the same thing will happen

i imagine for most beginner artists they dont care for getting everything right at first (from my experience) you learn the anatomy and stuff later. idk why i have such high expectations for myself especially with a hobby im unfamiliar with

a summer job would be cool (if i didnt have anxiety) i wanted to do commissions this summer but apparently my mom thinks im not ready for it :/ im wondering if doing something like online commissions would prepare me before i go outside and have mental breakdowns trying to be a receptionist (her suggestion). maybe im wrong and its much more different...i started posting my art and as a result ive gotten less nervous showing it to people. now i dont remember how the last sentence connects to the previous two

my therapist says i dont need to have a job rn. makes me sad since everyone my age is planning on getting jobs and i cant even win the battle against my brain

i dont write here much cause i tend to filter my thoughts a lot before putting it here. which results in very boring entries sometimes(or all the time). i put the more personal things in my scrapbook. i got it from some secret santa thing in school, inside a whole ass kit. i figured id use it to help with my stress, idk if it helped but it gave me something to do. i used to record my dreams in there, and i might record them on this site as well. anyway my birthday is in exactly a week so i have something to look forward to (the party in 9 days). i wanted to go see julie (the band), on the 27th a few days ago, but i wimped out. which sucks i mean that couldve been the greatest day of my life and id actually have something to talk abt. i hate mentioning my anxiety so much but its pretty integral to my existence. like im really bad with trying new things. i can only hope another one of their shows happens during the summer

english isnt my strong suit i do pretty poorly in my english classes. this entry alone has thoughts everywhere. unfortunately its what my average train of thought looks like

my art block is sort of going away, just today i finished something. social media really did suck the life out of me

i really wanna befriend some crows. theyve been flying around the neightborhood for the past few weeks, two even landed on the powerlines above the yard!! i fear that theyll leave soon. i plan on feeding them some nuts, then i need to find a place for the nuts. there are probably more steps but ill get there

man this is a weird thing to point out but in the past 3 weeks that ive been browsing neocities it was only today i found a site run by a straight guy

i used to joke to myself and say i coped with being unable to pull bitches by saying im aroace. but i really dont know what sexual or romantic attraction feels like. im pretty scared of intimate relationships (that could be the anxiety though). might be going through a hormonal identity crisis, at one point i never thought i would struggle with my gender identity but now im questioning whether im an enby. its not like im dysphoric or anything i just realized that i dont understand gender. ok well idk abt the dysphoric part.. maybe i dont have to understand. i wish i were a bird

i was interested in androgynous fashion because being confusing is funny. its why i plan on cutting my hair soon other than how annoying taking care of long hair is (imo)

anyway a few weeks ago i collected some rocks. we went to the beach so i wanted to occupy my time. i believe i found a few pieces of quartz but idk, they still look pretty either way. i like these two a lot :3 got them a while ago. if geologists come snooping around my site could they tell me what the second rock is

i feel like no matter how skilled you are at art youre going to think its shit. its like how they say youre your own worst critic. the compliments i get on my stuff are probably in good faith but i have constant self doubt. ig the grass is always greener on the other side